I CRADLED A MUG of herbal tea with both hands, tears filling my eyes. The acquaintance I was talking with leaned forward—elbows on her knees, hands folded. A close friend of mine had died suddenly just weeks before, and I was deeply grieving. After talking for some time, I paused. The person listening gently said, “You need to give yourself some compassion.” I remember feeling as if time halted. I thought, I don’t know what she means.
THE HEART OF SELF-COMPASSION
As soon as I got home that day, I opened my laptop and searched for “self-compassion.” As a college professor, I was surprised I hadn’t heard the term before. Growing up in the Church and attending Adventist schools through college, I’d of course heard plenty about compassion for others in Bible classes, during sermons, and at Sabbath School. But giving compassion to myself? I wasn’t taught that, and the idea had never occurred to me.
I delved into library databases and online bookstores. Soon I was reading every piece of scientific literature I could get my hands on. It didn’t take me long to find the two questions at the heart of self-compassion: In this moment of suffering, what do I need? How can I treat myself with the same care I’d treat a loved one?
THE LIMITS OF SYMPATHY AND EMPATHY
Early on my journey to greater self-compassion, I had to relearn the difference between sympathy and empathy.
Sympathy is a sense of pity and sorrow—with an occasional dash of condescension—for another person’s pain. It makes us feel bad for others. We keep our distance, don’t get involved, and hope everything turns out okay. That’s why “sympathy
drives disconnection,” says vulnerability and shame researcher Dr. Brené Brown.
In contrast, empathy means feeling with another person. We start giggling when we see children giggling or cry when others cry. “Empathy,” explains Dr. Brown, “fuels connection,” so it must be good, right? Yes, but it has limits. Feeling with
others—especially difficult emotions such as grief, loneliness, anger—can lead to overwhelm, sending us right back to the more comfortable distance of sympathy.
TIPS TO GET STARTED
If you’re new to self-compassion, for emotional safety it’s important to know you might experience backdraft. The metaphor comes from firefighting. When a fire consumes the oxygen in a room or house and a door or window is opened, the new supply of oxygen creates a burst of flames. Similarly, when we suddenly start treating ourselves with more warmth and understanding than we’re used to, we might actually feel worse for a time. “Love reveals everything unlike itself” is one expression that captures this experience. If you notice emotional backdraft as you practice any of the suggestions below, that’s a signal to slow down, take a break, or talk to a professional before beginning again.
PRACTICES FOR BEGINNERS
Below are several practices to help you begin growing your self-compassion. Remember, if you notice any emotional pain, slow down, take a break, or speak with someone who can support you.
Comforting Touch. We know that babies who are physically neglected often don’t meet typical developmental markers. They need to be held, rocked, played with. God designed us this way, to need welcomed and appropriate touch not just as infants but over our lifespan. With that in mind, try various ways of using your own hands to comfort yourself. Some of us do this automatically. One hand on your cheek, both hands on your cheeks, one or two hands over your heart, folded hands in
your lap, one hand on heart and one on your stomach, folded arms, or a gentle self-hug. Which ones feel right for you? If you’re not able to use your hands, try imagining the options as our brains and bodies respond even to our imagination.
Letter Writing. To help us begin treating ourselves as we’d treat a friend, especially when hurting, try writing a compassionate letter to yourself from the perspective of someone who loves you deeply about a mildly difficult situation or experience
you’re having right now or had recently. (Don’t pick something extremely painful. We have to start small.) The person could be a parent, grandparent, spouse, close friend, or Jesus. Find a quiet place where you can handwrite, type, or dictate a letter. What would this person who loves you say to you in the situation? How would they say it?
Childhood Photo. Find a picture of yourself as a child or ask someone to help you do so. If it isn’t already, consider having it printed and framed. Place it nearby on a bedside table or on your desk at work—wherever you’ll see it often. (If you have
a visual impairment, perhaps a relative or friend could describe a photo of your child self to you.) Does your age change anything about your inherent value in God’s eyes? Not at all. Because you are a child of God at every age, you are just as worthy of love, care, and compassion now as you were then. Remembering that can help you be a little kinder to yourself when life is challenging.
Bible Reading. Turn to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 in your Bible. We often hear this passage read at weddings or understand it as a way to guide how we’re showing love to others. But this time, read the passage with selfcompassion in mind. Being patient with, kind to, hopeful about, and reliable for yourself is transformative. Feel the warmth of this passage as you realize you can give yourself the same love and care that you desire to give others and that Jesus freely gives to you.
EMPATHY + ACTION = COMPASSION
When feeling with others motivates us to relieve suffering, that’s compassion. The Bible tells us that Jesus came to die for and set us free from our sins. Why would He do such a thing? Because He loves us (John 3:16). Because He has compassion for us. God was moved by the pain sin brought to our lives, and Jesus moved from Heaven to Earth to relieve and ultimately end our suffering.
OFFERING COMPASSION TO OURSELVES
Self-compassion, then, is being moved to treat ourselves in the ways we would treat someone we love and care about—especially when hurting. Sounds easy, but we’re often harder on ourselves than we are on others. How do we begin?
According to self-compassion researchers, we first have to notice when we’re hurting. In today’s busy world, it’s easier than ever to push our difficult feelings aside and even ignore our emotional, physical, or spiritual pain. But we can’t tend to what we don’t acknowledge. Self-compassion begins with being honest with ourselves about hurting. In these moments, I comfort myself with the expression, “It’s okay to not be okay.”
Then it helps to remember that all of us could lose a job, develop cancer, or make a big mistake. When we see ourselves as not unique in our human challenges and shortcomings, we’re more likely to be warm and understanding with ourselves.
Self-kindness isn’t letting yourself “off the hook,” suffering alone, or making excuses. Rather, self-kindness nudges us to make changes, ask for help, or hold ourselves accountable and make amends.
Finally, we can remind ourselves that we aren’t our feelings. This part of self-compassion is perhaps the toughest. It’s similar to recognizing that when we sin or “miss the mark” we aren’t sin itself. In other words, doing something bad doesn’t mean we are bad. Likewise, feeling grief, loneliness, or anger—or any other difficult emotion—doesn’t define who we are. Instead, we can respond to those feelings by considering their wisdom. Grief can prompt us to slow down life’s pace and heal. Loneliness can urge us to seek human connection. Anger can alert us to a violated boundary that needs greater protection.
JESUS, THE WAY TO SELF-COMPASSION
Slowly becoming more loving and caring toward myself has provided me better mental and physical health as well as helped me be more understanding and supportive of others. More than that, though, it has allowed me to see and experience Jesus in a new light.
Through an understanding of self-compassion, I now read about Jesus’ life on Earth with a fresh perspective. When He rested, ate with friends, countered the temptations and lies of Satan in the wilderness, He treated Himself with compassion. In this moment of suffering, what do I need? When He invited His inner circle of disciples to accompany Him to the Garden of Gethsemane and asked them to hold vigil with their prayers as He spent time alone with God the Father just a short distance away, He was offering Himself what He needed to prepare for the Cross.
Jesus is our example in everything, including in how to relate to ourselves. Practicing self-compassion has helped me and may help you notice how cruel we humans can be to ourselves. In contrast, Jesus offers us compassion, never cruelty. That is why He is Immanuel, God with us. All the more reason to embrace ourselves as the precious beings God created us to be. Jesus Himself is our Way to self-compassion.
