THE BIBLE IS FULL of expressions of thanksgiving, many penned by King David through poems and songs. Knowing David’s story, it’s not surprising he felt grateful throughout his life for the steady presence of God. David declared his gratitude repeatedly for God’s power, protection, mercy, and love. Here’s just one example from Psalm 28:7.*
“The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart triumphs, And with my song I shall thank Him.”
In the New Testament, we find Jesus giving thanks as well. Consider these passages from Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John:
• Matthew 26:27: “And when He had taken a cup and given thanks, He gave it to them, saying, ‘Drink from it, all of you.’”
• Mark 14:23: “And when He had taken a cup and given thanks, He gave it to them, and they all drank from it.”
• Luke 22:17-19: “And when He had taken a cup and given thanks, He said, ‘Take this and share it among yourselves. . . . And when He had taken some bread and given thanks, He broke it and gave it to them, saying, ‘This is My body, which is being given for you; do this in remembrance of Me.’”
• John 6:23: “Other small boats came from Tiberias near to the place where they ate the bread after the Lord had given thanks.”
Like Jesus, we say “grace” before a meal. We teach our children to thank others for gifts or a kind action. We intuitively know that gratitude is good. We also have growing scientific evidence that being thankful has physical and psychological benefits.
Interestingly, we don’t usually think about gratitude as a skill. Yet it doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Yes, most of us can muster a basic “thank you.” But are there better ways than others to express thankfulness?
THANKFUL FORMULA
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg (1934-2015) was an American psychologist, author, and teacher who mediated conflicts around the world, including among gangs and governments. During his career, he developed Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to help people express needs and desires without harm. He noticed that conflict, aggression, and violence happen when people are denied basic human needs: autonomy, celebration, integrity,
interdependence, physical nurturance, play, and spiritual connection.
That makes sense. When our needs are unfulfilled, we feel angry, discouraged, or hopeless. But when our needs are fulfilled, we feel inspired, joyous, relieved, and thankful.
According to Dr. Rosenberg, there is a way to express thankfulness nonviolently. Now, that may sound strange. How can giving thanks ever be “violent”? Most expressions of appreciation are judgments, he explains, and they’re often meant to gain something in return such as good behavior, harder work, or connection. For example, “Thank you for being a good daughter,” “I appreciate what an excellent worker you are,” or “You’re
the best pastor I’ve ever had.” These are words of praise, compliment, and comparison rather than authentic gratitude.
Instead, Dr. Rosenberg offers a model for appreciating others and thanking them that is life giving, in his words. It’s a simple template: Observation + Need + Feeling. An expression of gratitude offered in this way is meant purely to celebrate what someone else has done for you that made your life more wonderful.
Here’s an example: “You got up early this morning and made me breakfast before I left for the airport. You knew how rushed I’d be and took the time to make my morning easier. Looking back on that small gesture makes me feel so loved and supported. Thank you.”
“Thank you” by itself or “You’re such a good spouse” don’t have the same effect. When we let people know we see what they did for us, that what they did met a specific need we had, and that looking back now we have lovely feelings about what they did for us, we enrich their lives in return. Genuine gratitude is meant to celebrate the other person. No strings attached.
Look back at David’s words in Psalm 28:7: “The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart triumphs, And with my song I shall thank Him.” Can you see David using the template: Observation + Need + Feeling? Yes! Long before Dr. Rosenberg, Scripture—inspired by the Life Giver—was teaching us how to offer life-giving thanks.
Texts of Thanksgiving
Spend some time meditating on the following texts.
• 2 Samuel 22:50: “Therefore I will give thanks to You, Lord, among the nations, and I will sing praises to Your name.”
• 1 Chronicles 16:34: “Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His faithfulness is everlasting.”
• Psalm 9:1: “I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonders.”
• Isaiah 25:1: “Lord, You are my God; I will exalt You, I will give thanks to Your name; For You have worked wonders, plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness.”
• 1 Corinthians 15:57: “Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
• 1 Thessalonians 5:18: “In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.”
• Revelation 11:16, 17: “And the twenty-four elders, who sit on their thrones before God, fell on their faces and worshiped God, saying, ‘We give You thanks, Lord God, the Almighty, the One who is and who was, because You have taken Your great power and have begun to reign.’”
In these passages, what resonates with you when you consider your own relationship with God? Take a moment to write your own gratitude note to God.
Try Some Gratitude!
Think of someone you want to thank. Write them a note using Dr. Rosenberg’s template: Observation + Need + Feeling. Observation—What did the person say or do that made your life more wonderful? “Your kindness to me” is less specific than “Volunteering to help me rake leaves.” Be as specific as you can be. Doing so makes a person feel seen, which is one of our deeply felt needs as human beings.
Need—What need did the person’s words or actions fulfill for you? Again, be specific. No matter how short the sentence or small the act, your life was enriched. Let people know that.
Feeling—What do you feel now when you look back on the experience? Not what you were feeling at the time the person said or did something meaningful for you. Rather, how do you feel at this moment?
When we intentionally practice authentic gratitude, our relationships flourish. See what happens when you thank people in your life in this life-giving way.
